I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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