you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
