He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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