I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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