Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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