Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
