i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
