dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
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