I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
