Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
