i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
