Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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