All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
