I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
