I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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