wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
there's paper in my vomit.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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