I wish I could teleport
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
