I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We are two peas in an std pod
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
pray to the hookup gods
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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