my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
