why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
