He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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