I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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