He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
