If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
