I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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