I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
