Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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