RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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