I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
