the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I deserve this hangover.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
