Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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