Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
