I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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