My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
