I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
