mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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