there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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