That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize