I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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