I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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