yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
