I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
