In America we eat man semen.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
