There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
