The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
