She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
