I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
