are you so shy because you have an std?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
