she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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