we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
