she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
did i walk over a car last night?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
