I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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