I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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