Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
