I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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