You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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