I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
