of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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